Mortality

That's a morbid title. But it hit me in the face yesterday and I am just devastated.

My old nemesis, Scott died yesterday. He just turn 60 in January.

That makes him younger than me.

And it makes me realize how fleeting life is and how quickly it can be gone.

Scott and I have had a love/hate relationship for 17 years, me as writer/editor, he as publisher and in the last few years, we have simply become friends.

Yesterday, the plan was for me to take him and his partner Linda, Kangen water after attending a day-long water training in Seattle. I had figured being there between 6-7 and was right on time. As I drove around the curve leading to their house, I saw ambulances and police car with lights flashing. My first thought was, Scott, he must have had another of his heart attacks. He has had several small ones and was on medication, but the last time I had seen him about three weeks ago, he was full of beans, looked great and was feeling good. I parked on the side of the road and managed to ask a fireman what was going on and he said, "Are you a family member?" I said, "No, I just came for dinner. Is it Scott?" Of course they couldn't tell me anything, but one of them went in and told Linda I was there and so went in.

She was bundled on the couch, in shock. She had managed to call her friends Ronni and John who were there. I comforted her as best I could, but there really isn't much anyone can do in that situation.

He had been out on the patio, cleaning up his gardening in preparation for dinner, and while Linda was in the house, sorting things out, he had what must have been a massive heart attack. She didn't hear him call out or anything, but when she looked out, he was crumpled on the ground. She attempted cpr and the 911 operator talked her through it until a neighbor showed up after hearing her screaming for help. But he was gone.

Just like that.

It took for what seemed like forever for the funeral home people to show up and it was just awful having him lying out there on the cold ground. It didn't even look like him; I knew he was really gone from his body. Linda kept saying she could feel him all around her, and she just wanted to hold on to that feeling.

I have only seen one dead person before so seeing Scott like that was just numbing. At first I didn't want to look, but then when I did, I could see that he really was gone, that the physical body was there, but his spirit had left. It was an empty shell of the man that I sometimes hated and sometimes loved.

Now I realize how important it is to have all the paperwork in order. Although Scott most likely has his paperwork sorted out, Linda knows nothing about it, or very little. No one knows where his older daughter is, who is required to sign the cremation permits. I have promised to take care of everything Dockside because he has been a one man band for so long, that I am the nearest to it, although I haven't done any work for him for ages. It's things like that, things we don't think about as we live our lives, things that are too hard to think about, or ones we simply ignore, because "it won't happen to us." But when it hits so close to home, it really has made me feel so vulnerable.

It's also made me really rethink everything that I am doing, and to know I must prioritize and make my life what I want it to be. To do the things I want to do and be the person I really am. "Stuff" is not what is important. It's the people in my life who are important and my dreams and what I want to do with my life that are important.

Scott's death reminds me how fleeting our time is here in this time and space and to make the most of that time. To tell everyone I care about that I love them, to forgive those I hold grudges against, to be happy and grateful for what I have and for what I can create.

So Scott, old friend, I will miss you and our sparring matches, our work relationship that turned into a true friendship and of course, your wonderful cooking.

Saturday morning and it's dark outside

It's Saturday morning, still dark out, but not freezing. This has been the warmest January on record so far and there is no sign that that is going to change. If this was a normal winter, I could live here year round. But we all know it's just El Nino doing her thing and we will most likely be slammed next year. The opposite is true for California where they are experiencing more cold than we are.

It's been a quiet week, with time for contemplation and yoga, both a real treat for me. And still plenty of time to complete work that needs to be done on the site, and to prepare for work on the dockside project. The wicked-pr guys are starting on the nut project next week in earnest. I made some changes to the site that they recommended and after talking to Annie briefly, have created more signage for the shipping boxes and bags. Still tweaking things on the programmer side and they will be onboard to make changes when Brian and Charles (wicked guys) make their recommendations. Both Brian and Charles are about Ryan's age, which for me is so much fun, as I so enjoy working with young people. Their ideas and energy are wonderful energizers for me. Sometimes I actually wish I worked in an office environment with youngsters like them - then think, hmmm maybe not. I would lose my sense of freedom - maybe part-time? Something to ponder.

Because, getting up way early for me seems to work, that way I can get lots of computer work taken care of, take time in the middle of the day for things like yoga and then pick up again in the later afternoon. It takes some planning out, but works. On yoga days, I plan my errands around the class, seeing as it's not just a matter of popping round the corner for my class. It's a 40 minute drive to get there so it's a big chunk out of the day, so I make it worth while by going to the bank, the grocery store etc. You get the picture. So I figure I will be gone for four hours, but then I don't have to deal with icy roads and darkness if I were to run errands after a traditional working day.

I love working for myself!

All the stuff for taxes for last year is almost completely gathered together - this will be a first to get them filed by April 15! And I can't see why I will have to pay anything at all - in fact, I think the government might even owe me. That would certainly be a bonus.

It's time to think about starting my veges and building the raised boxes. I watched and helped Chris last time, so I know how to do it. They are not going to be so big this time, as it is only me here. And I hope I can find some recycled lumber to use. Freecycle might work - a wanted post usually gets me what I need. I will most likely make two 4x4 18" high beds. And get the organic soil from Roger Short's farm, as I know how he makes the soil and that it really is organic. Then when the time is right, plant out the starts from the sun room and pretty soon will be eating fresh mesclun and then all the other wonderful stuff.

The M.S seems to be under control, haven't had any bouts of headaches or tiredness. The only weird thing is I get hives (urticaria)!  I don't seem to be allergic to anything, they just happen out of the blue so have taken to carrying antihistamine pills around with me, and pop one when I feel and itch coming on! They disappear as fast as the show up. Very weird. Debbie is making an appointment for me with Dr. Jadin so hopefully I will be able to understand her with her strong French accent. It's difficult enough in person, long distance phone might be a challenge, but I need to do it so I can continue the treatment.

What a Day!

This morning is phenomenally beautiful! Sun just came up and casts that wonderful golden light on everything. The trees are lit up, glowing and casting reflection onto the still water. It is super high tide, with the dock ramp above parallel which doesn't happen very often. I might even go kayaking later when the temperature gets to about 50F.

This winter, so far, has been so mild except for the one freeze at the end of November. And I was reminded on the news this morning, that exactly two months from today, spring will officially be here! But I am afraid that this weather has fooled mother nature and our trees which are budding, and bulbs that are shooting up, will get blasted by another cold snap. But we'll hold warm thoughts. Pretty soon I can start my spring vege seeds and build some planter boxes.

I never thought, really, that I would become an "almost" webmaster. Not that I am making huge changes or anything to the site, but I sure am learning a lot! Sitemaps, google webmaster tools, xml files, .tpl and .php files, where they live on the site and root folders and how to get to pages, and how to fix minor things without screwing up the entire site! I think that, although I prefer to think of myself as a creative soul, my logical brain must be quite good as I actually can see how this all comes together! Maybe my right and left brains are balanced! And of course, taking brain pills helps.

Scott is working on getting the site stuff ready and funded so we can move on that. I have been checking out flip page magazine software and systems and tried one yesterday which is way cool! Much better than the original one, but of course, a lot more money but I believe the ROI will be better as it has so many features to allow dockside to charge for features, like adding video and audio and forms etc. Plus this company provides training, which the other didn't. So I just have to wait and see what he decides - or more, what the investors want.

Yoga yesterday! I love it and wish it was more than twice a week. But I think that once I am comfortable with the poses and know that I am doing them correctly so I don't hurt myself, I will do more at home. It does cut into the day though, but I don't feel too bad about it as I am up so early to work with the fellows in India, and then in the evening so I always put in more than an eight hour day.

OK, off I go for a walk in the sun! What  a treat.